Certainly not looking forward to New Year. Won't be getting any sleep because our dog is cared to death of fireworks. So I will be on the couch tonight, swathed in blankets while Tiger is walking up and down the couch. Hopefully, the Twilight Zone marathon starts tonight. Make sure you have some cash in your pocket
I cleaned the house in preparation for New Year. I'm terrible at it but I tried. Far from perfect since I am not much of a cleaner. I am more of a wallower in filth. I don't mind dust as long as it's not thick enough to make me sneeze. Again, I will miss my sister . . . like I did this Christmas and our birthday and everyday. I didn't expect to be alone with my dad. (Brother has his own place.) The plan was she would retire early and look after Dad while I was at work for another 4 years until I am eligible for retirement. She paid $30,000 into her pension or rather I lent her the money. She apologized to me about that . . . that she was obviously not going to live long enough to pay me back. Huh . . . its only money . . and my brother made a note that at least I was able to give her the experience of nearly 9 months of retirement. It still makes me sad for her though.
So this New Year's Eve, I got a haircut. (I only go to the hairdresser maybe 4 times a year since I have premature baldness. But she retired so I have to find a new beauty parlor for me and my dad. (My sister and I were going to hack each other's hair as it grew.) That didn't work out . . . it was a hospice nurse who cut my sister's hair for the very last time. She didn't have much but it was getting tangled in knots as she lay there. So she cut it as close to her head as possible. (I should have thought of that :-(. )
Kaiser hospice nurses are very sweet.
Is it New Year's yet? Hopefully I vacuumed enough dust bunnies and poured enough bleach into the toilet bowls. (You know, you really don't have to scrub toilets that hard. Bleach does wonders.)
Happy New Year's! 2014, here I come!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
A Chopstick & a Lottery Ticket
Several weeks ago, a wooden chopstick appeared at my altar. (This is an altar I created to honor my spirit guide.) Things like this have been happening lately so I left it there.
On December 1, 2013, I used it to scratch my $5.00 lottery ticket. This is the California LUCKY FOR LIFE scratcher which gives you 18 chances to match 5 lucky numbers and perhaps get $2,500 a week for 25 years. (Or you can opt for a lump sum of $1,900,000.)
Now, I have the worse luck of all when it comes to lottery tickets. I have never won a prize. This time I matched 5 numbers: 13 - $2.00, 24 - $2.00, 16 - $5.00, 24 - $2.00, 4 - $2.00. I calculated $13 but they gave me $15.00, (I'll chalk it up to more luck for getting a grocery clerk who can't add.) I also got a 20 which had the $2,500 for Life but alas, it wasn't one of my lucky numbers on the ticket.
So now I know what this chopstick is for. I thanked my spirit guide and my sister.
2 days ago, I won another $5.00. Ad the prizes were getting higher (although I didn't win any of them.) There were even 2 $2,500 slots on the ticket and a $5,000 slot. Quite exciting.
I also make a point of only buying one ticket and this is when I go to the grocery. After all, if you're gonna win, its gonna happen, no matter how many tickets you buy.
On December 1, 2013, I used it to scratch my $5.00 lottery ticket. This is the California LUCKY FOR LIFE scratcher which gives you 18 chances to match 5 lucky numbers and perhaps get $2,500 a week for 25 years. (Or you can opt for a lump sum of $1,900,000.)
Now, I have the worse luck of all when it comes to lottery tickets. I have never won a prize. This time I matched 5 numbers: 13 - $2.00, 24 - $2.00, 16 - $5.00, 24 - $2.00, 4 - $2.00. I calculated $13 but they gave me $15.00, (I'll chalk it up to more luck for getting a grocery clerk who can't add.) I also got a 20 which had the $2,500 for Life but alas, it wasn't one of my lucky numbers on the ticket.
So now I know what this chopstick is for. I thanked my spirit guide and my sister.
2 days ago, I won another $5.00. Ad the prizes were getting higher (although I didn't win any of them.) There were even 2 $2,500 slots on the ticket and a $5,000 slot. Quite exciting.
I also make a point of only buying one ticket and this is when I go to the grocery. After all, if you're gonna win, its gonna happen, no matter how many tickets you buy.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Second Life & A Funny Dream
I hope 2014 is a better year than 2013. In fact, I know it will be. There have been some signs.
You see, since my sister died (I will refer to her as Bee because her true name means Bee.) And I have her memorial in Second Life. Second Life is a virtual world where you can create anything and be anything. More on the SL later. Anyway, I have a one armed angel statue tucked away in a corner of my sim with a wreath and red tulips. I have birds flying up if an avatar approaches. Its a really lovely effect except for the one or two birds that get stuck. I like to think she's getting an eyeful of them.
And there's an alcove with an inscription: "No pain, no grief, no anxious fear, can reach our loved one sleeping here." Might be morbid but it makes me feel that she is in this other world too.
Anyway, I had this dream of her. I was in a haunted room . . . well it felt haunted but it was haunted by plants. They sort of moved and the cabinet drawers in the room were moving too. It was dark but not midnight dark. More like the dark before sunrise. My brother was in the dream as well. I had called him because I was afraid. And then a window was open or perhaps a door. And there was my sister. In her favorite orange tee. And she was smiling. And she said: "Now, which one of you are going to top the other?" Don't you think that is an odd thing to hear in a dream.
I think 2014 will be a special year. The year when we may realize some dreams. Tomorrow, I will tell you about the chopstick and the lottery tickets!
You see, since my sister died (I will refer to her as Bee because her true name means Bee.) And I have her memorial in Second Life. Second Life is a virtual world where you can create anything and be anything. More on the SL later. Anyway, I have a one armed angel statue tucked away in a corner of my sim with a wreath and red tulips. I have birds flying up if an avatar approaches. Its a really lovely effect except for the one or two birds that get stuck. I like to think she's getting an eyeful of them.
And there's an alcove with an inscription: "No pain, no grief, no anxious fear, can reach our loved one sleeping here." Might be morbid but it makes me feel that she is in this other world too.
Anyway, I had this dream of her. I was in a haunted room . . . well it felt haunted but it was haunted by plants. They sort of moved and the cabinet drawers in the room were moving too. It was dark but not midnight dark. More like the dark before sunrise. My brother was in the dream as well. I had called him because I was afraid. And then a window was open or perhaps a door. And there was my sister. In her favorite orange tee. And she was smiling. And she said: "Now, which one of you are going to top the other?" Don't you think that is an odd thing to hear in a dream.
I think 2014 will be a special year. The year when we may realize some dreams. Tomorrow, I will tell you about the chopstick and the lottery tickets!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
A Death Nearby
This post is about my sister's Death. This won't be the only post about it . . . but this will serve as the reason why I am starting this blog anew. Because I think about where she died. Her bed was facing this great arched window which faced the street . . . where people walk their dogs or push their baby carts on their way to the Sunday street market. How could they know that my sister was dying a few feet away from them.
(My mother also dies in this house but she died in my parents' master bedroom. There were French doors there but she didn't face her much loved garden. She was facing their tiny bathroom.)
She didn't see them, of course. In the 2 weeks since she came home from the nursing home, her attention was on the television. She liked HOUSE, I LOVE LUCY and FRAZIER.
It has been nearly 4 months since my twin died. She died on the hottest day of the year. August 30-- at 6:30pm. She died in our living room on a hospital bed provided by Kaiser Hospice. I was giving her morphine with a syringe because she was in a coma by then. (You put it under their tongue because they can't swallow.) She hated morphine . . . it tastes very bitter, I am told. And she would rather have the pain than the taste of it. It must be very bad indeed.
She was diagnosed with clear cell carcinoma a month prior to her death. I had been aware of her hip pain (which she attributed to arthritis) and her incontinence (which she attributed to diabetes.) It was neither of those things. It was the cancer now attached to her hip and her bladder -- the tumor was the size of a grapefruit by then. It had been going on for some months. And she was constantly on the forums finding innocuous reasons for her condition. She also had rectal bleeding and blood in her urine. She diagnosed herself as having hemorrhoids. I don't think she told her doctor about the bleeding. She got a diagnosis of bladder infection. She was happy with that but of course, that didn't work.
She was losing so much weight by then, she would weigh herself everyday . . . like I did. I had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. And I was trying to lose weight. She was trying to gain weight even though she had lost her appetite. (She was only eating fruit and an occasional pizza.) She went back to the doctor via ambulance. That Sunday morning, she lost sensation in her left arm. The medics thought it might be a mini-stroke since she could feel her arm again by the time they came. That was when they found the cancer.
It has metastasized. It was in her bladder in her left hip, her stomach and there were floating nodules in her lungs. She refused treatment; I don't even know what sort of therapy they offered for this advanced stage but she was having none of it. They did not identify the cancer until the second week. Clear cell carcinoma was so rare . . . a totally random cancer, they said. At 51, with her 52nd birthday, 2 months away. She had just retired from the law library -- November 2012. She didn't even get to enjoy a year.
(My mother also dies in this house but she died in my parents' master bedroom. There were French doors there but she didn't face her much loved garden. She was facing their tiny bathroom.)
She didn't see them, of course. In the 2 weeks since she came home from the nursing home, her attention was on the television. She liked HOUSE, I LOVE LUCY and FRAZIER.
It has been nearly 4 months since my twin died. She died on the hottest day of the year. August 30-- at 6:30pm. She died in our living room on a hospital bed provided by Kaiser Hospice. I was giving her morphine with a syringe because she was in a coma by then. (You put it under their tongue because they can't swallow.) She hated morphine . . . it tastes very bitter, I am told. And she would rather have the pain than the taste of it. It must be very bad indeed.
She was diagnosed with clear cell carcinoma a month prior to her death. I had been aware of her hip pain (which she attributed to arthritis) and her incontinence (which she attributed to diabetes.) It was neither of those things. It was the cancer now attached to her hip and her bladder -- the tumor was the size of a grapefruit by then. It had been going on for some months. And she was constantly on the forums finding innocuous reasons for her condition. She also had rectal bleeding and blood in her urine. She diagnosed herself as having hemorrhoids. I don't think she told her doctor about the bleeding. She got a diagnosis of bladder infection. She was happy with that but of course, that didn't work.
She was losing so much weight by then, she would weigh herself everyday . . . like I did. I had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. And I was trying to lose weight. She was trying to gain weight even though she had lost her appetite. (She was only eating fruit and an occasional pizza.) She went back to the doctor via ambulance. That Sunday morning, she lost sensation in her left arm. The medics thought it might be a mini-stroke since she could feel her arm again by the time they came. That was when they found the cancer.
It has metastasized. It was in her bladder in her left hip, her stomach and there were floating nodules in her lungs. She refused treatment; I don't even know what sort of therapy they offered for this advanced stage but she was having none of it. They did not identify the cancer until the second week. Clear cell carcinoma was so rare . . . a totally random cancer, they said. At 51, with her 52nd birthday, 2 months away. She had just retired from the law library -- November 2012. She didn't even get to enjoy a year.
Friday, December 27, 2013
We're Here
It's 2 days after Christmas and my twin is not here with me; she died on August 30. I am considering this blog which has this wonderful artwork of tree roots and mermaids and trolls. I had it specially made because I love the idea of them and I could not bear the thought that they do not exist. But they really had nothing to do with my life which is perfectly ordinary and a bit painful at the moment.
My dog, Tiger, an overweight Maltese (he is registered as Giblet under my sister's name) is being very annoying, sticking his wet nose against my leg and begging to be carried. Avery witty name for a dog, we thought, but one he does not answer to because the whole family calls him Tiger. It is the name of every dog we have ever had . . . and every cat as well.
The name of the blog is a bit embarrassing; it implies magic and mysteries which I will impart to my captive audience. But I could not resist because I am a reader and dreamer of such. I thought I might just discard this blog and start a new one which would have been called Atwater or something as prosaic as where I live.
Atwater Village . . . it is a small town on the cusp of Los Angeles and Glendale. Until very recently, no one knew where it was. It was simpler to tell people that I lived in Glendale near the 5 Freeway and a mile or two from the Los Angeles Zoo. I am in a house which was built in the thirties; it is where my mother and my sister died. I expect I shall stop thinking of my house that way but I was just wondering what does happen behind the doors of homes and does anyone care?
My dog, Tiger, an overweight Maltese (he is registered as Giblet under my sister's name) is being very annoying, sticking his wet nose against my leg and begging to be carried. Avery witty name for a dog, we thought, but one he does not answer to because the whole family calls him Tiger. It is the name of every dog we have ever had . . . and every cat as well.
The name of the blog is a bit embarrassing; it implies magic and mysteries which I will impart to my captive audience. But I could not resist because I am a reader and dreamer of such. I thought I might just discard this blog and start a new one which would have been called Atwater or something as prosaic as where I live.
Atwater Village . . . it is a small town on the cusp of Los Angeles and Glendale. Until very recently, no one knew where it was. It was simpler to tell people that I lived in Glendale near the 5 Freeway and a mile or two from the Los Angeles Zoo. I am in a house which was built in the thirties; it is where my mother and my sister died. I expect I shall stop thinking of my house that way but I was just wondering what does happen behind the doors of homes and does anyone care?
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